Purpose

Our goal with this little blog/group is to watch a couple movies each month, chosen by a mutually agreed upon person. Then said group rates said movies, posts small reviews, and discussion ensues.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Twilight: a ~daniel review.

Posted by daniel
Before starting this month's reviews, let me just say -I'm a big fan of Vampires. To me they're one of the most fascinating mythological humanoids. I've read quite a few Vampire novels, and I think my favorite portrayal of them is in Hideyuki Kikuchi's "Vampire Hunter D" novels. Kikuchi's portrayal of them is equally beautiful, elegant, intelligent and terrifying. This gives Kikuchi equal leverage to put on display all their glories and then damage the reader with their "can't be un-seen" monstrosities. The result creates a yearning, and very precise distinction between that race and ours... plus I'm a sucker for post-apocolyptica (yes, I just made up a word and you know you like it). On to Twilight.

Twilight

Ingredients



    * 1/4 cup deer blood
    * 6 tablespoons liquid eyeliner
    * 1 1/2 teaspoons teenage pheromones
    * 1 teaspoon diamond dust glitter
    * 2/3 cup BloodyMary™ White Heat Setting Powder foundation
    * 1 pinch goth points
    * 2 3/4 pounds teenage repressed sexual angst
    * 1/4 cup packed brown powder white-as-the-tiniest-white-snowflakes-atop-Mount-Everest sugar

Directions

   1. Place sexual angst, sugar, blood, eyeliner, foundation, pheromones, and a touch of goth points in a large resealable plastic bag. Seal, and shake to mix. Place plot in bag with marinade, seal, and refrigerate for 6 to 12 hours.
   2. Place plot and marinade in medium sized sauce pan.
   3. Simmer on low for 122 minutes. PLOT SHOULD NOT THICKEN! Plot must stay thin and transparent or it ruins.
   4. At 52:10 mins, sprinkle diamond dust into mixture and turn up to full boil.
   5. Sexual angst should boil over, but at this point, plot should stay transparent irrespective to temperature.
   6. Remove from stovetop.
   7. Sequel to taste.

Dish served well with alcohol (lots of it).

FOOTNOTE
The nutrition data for this recipe is null and void, same for aesthetic content. Carlisle Cullen is the wimpiest human-loving, non-vampire vampire I've ever seen, heard, or read about.


ALTERNATE REVIEW:
NOW I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH VAMPIRES!!!!

2/5 stars.
at 7:51 PM
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5 comments:

  1. UnknownMarch 25, 2011 at 5:24 PM

    so i actually tried this recipe and ended up with something that looked like cabbage rolls.

    excellent creative use of review, daniel, as always.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownMarch 25, 2011 at 5:25 PM

    also, i have a feeling the "supreme gayness" tag is going to get a lot of use on this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  3. danielMarch 26, 2011 at 1:52 PM

    :D thanks for your kind words.

    I'm glad you put the supreme gayness tag in there, it's a good one! >:D

    ReplyDelete
  4. jluggerMarch 27, 2011 at 9:49 PM

    3. Simmer on low for 122 minutes. PLOT SHOULD NOT THICKEN! Plot must stay thin and transparent or it ruins.

    best line ever

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kyle L.March 28, 2011 at 8:25 AM

    I think all movies should by law be required to state your ingredients / directions on the back of the box. You sir, got mad tongue skills!

    ReplyDelete

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