Jurassic Park: A review in three parts

Let me start by saying, I love this movie. Everything I have to say that may seem disparaging from this point forward is only because I have grown up with the film and feel like I know it well enough to make fun of it in the same way I would a brother or best friend.

Part I: I'll take a bucket of extra crispy, hold the slaw.

This movie is actually a documentary on genetically altering the food supply. The main scientific premise put forth in the film is that our wonderfully fantastic dinos are descended from birds. Sam Neil states as much in his little rant to scare the stupid kid early on at the dig site. The film ends with a flock of birds soaring in the air. So what we actually have is a kind of island coop for all these giant birds.

Now throw Colonel Sanders into the mix. I know the film showed Mr Secret Recipe himself as a kind of jolly old Genetic Research Tycoon or something...but he is clearly Colonel Sanders, and what does Colonel sanders want...you guessed it, a massive chicken coop for massive scaly chickens. Think how much he could charge for a T-Rex drumstick combo meal.

From what I understand, Crichton actually had teamed up with Michael Pollan in a joint effort to research the shady goings on at KFC. The original title to the book was actually Jurassic Lunch (I'm not kidding, google it). When KFC caught wind of this, they shut the operation down and paid Crichton a heavy sum to make it look he was going after the amusement park industry and not the food industry. Even though Crichton sold out, he still threw in a backhand to the Colonel; if you read the book, the Colonel actually gets eaten by some dinosaurs and then one of them growled afterwards, and I quoting now "in a way that almost sounded human, that almost sounded like it uttered, tastes like chicken."

Don't be fooled, down with KFC!

Part II: Computers can do what in 1993?

A good portion of the sfx in the film are amazing animatronic puppets. But being the gamer I am, I know that the way they implemented the bump mapping on the CGI portions of the Dinosaurs was the first and best of its kind. Watching the film now, the computer generated scenes hold up better than just about every other film from the same time period.

So here is my problem...If computers in real life were able to render such awesome graphics, how come the computers installed at the complex within the movie looked like they were using processors from the 1970's. This is not an exaggeration either, I can remember sitting in the theater when the film first came out...I was in awe, I was taken out of my world and put into this awesome crazy theme park...then comes the computer scene where the little boy is trying to override the security systems and my suspended disbelief was momentarily...umm...unsuspended. My computer at home in 1993 looked better than what they put in that scene. It's really the only thing in the whole film that annoys me. I don't even mind the cheesy rubber arm that grabs on to Laura Dern's shoulder, but those computers...lets just say I hope they get an update for the Blu Ray version that is supposed to be coming out this year.

Part III: Jeff Goldblum

Since he is our theme, I thought I should make some comment about him somewhere in the review.

When I was in 10th grade biology, I was assigned to do some kind of assignment with some girl I didn't really know. I remember being outside looking around in the grass for some plant or something when the girl said out of nowhere "you remind me of that guy, that sciency guy, what's his name...Jeff Goldblum." Not knowing if this was a compliment or a jab I responded "Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park or Jeff Goldblum from The Fly." She came back with "from Independence Day." I took it as a complement, I think.

Conclusion:

I love this film. When I think of movies that really make you feel something, in this case total awe at seeing the rendered Dinos for the first time, I think of Jurassic Park. Story is meh, acting is meh, but the spectacle can' be topped. Oh, and because of this film, I've always had a crush on Laura Dern.

4.5 chicken wings, extra crispy...hold the slaw.