Dear Robin Hood: Men In Tights,
Hey. How are you doing? What are you up to today? We haven't seen each other in a while, have we? I'm alright. I assume you're about the same. You've always been fairly consistent that way.
Whatever, listen, I've got something I've got to say.
We've had some good times together. Actually, we've had A LOT of good times. The memories, the laughter. You're irreplaceable. I can't picture my life without you. But the future... OUR future...
Alright, hold on, this isn't turning out like I planned. You've always been direct with me, so it's time I was direct with you. There are things that need to be addressed. Things regarding you and me. You see, I'm having second thoughts...
Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed the history we've shared. I don't remember the first time we met, but that only makes it feel like you've been there all along. I've talked about you to my friends. I've repeated the funny things you say. I've let you shape my image of British history.
And you've introduced me to so many interesting people. There's Dave Chappelle, of course. I have no idea how you two know each other, but back then he was just a skinny little funny man. Remember when he pretended to be Denzel Washington pretending to be Malcolm X. Sherwood Forest landing on us, and all that? That was pretty funny. I later realized he was merely a "token" player in your life, but there was no hiding his talent. He left you for bigger and better things, at least until he went crazy, but you can claim to being there from the start. I do admire you for that.
Cary Elwes hung around a lot. As far as comedic rolls were concerned, he never extended himself too far beyond his "Princess Bride" character, but you sure tried to yank out every bit of slapstickiness he had within him. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. But looking back I can't imagine anybody else portraying Robin Hood.
And you surprised me with Richard Lewis. We both know he always whines about himself too much. He plays this schtick so hard that I never thought he'd be a major character in a movie again. But look what you did! You turned Prince John into Prince Richard Lewis. Ingenious! He didn't have to do anything but show up.
And then there was Tracy Ullman. I used to think I liked her, but then I realized that I actually found her quite annoying. She's always so happy and hyper, but she's also always around. You always think it's a good idea to invite Tracy to the party, but then you always regret doing so. She's "that" girl.
Remember that time Patrick Stewart showed up? That was weird.
Anyway, it's not really about the people you know. It's not even about the things you did and the jokes you told. It's about moving on.
I know I'm dropping a bomb on you, and I promise you this isn't any easier for me. I'm on the verge of tears, here. Real freaking juicy tears. So read this in its entirety before you make any judgements about me. Remember, I'm your biggest fan.
I WAS your biggest fan.
You see, while you stuck around and made lame "lend me your ears" gags, I grew up. I matured. Sure, I'll always find jokes about blind people funny, but life is more than that. I suppose I could always fall back on ridiculing the English, but I want to move forward and upward, not backward and... backward.
You seem to be stuck in the 1990s, and in the 1990s I was just a kid. I'm older now, more sophisticated, more mature. More complicated. Throwing Dom DeLuise at me just isn't going to cut it. It used to, but not anymore.
I suppose there's still a soft spot in my heart for wiener jokes, Mel Brooks, and eye-rolling physical comedy. And there is no doubt that these things have helped shaped me into the person I am today. But... well, I'm not 11-years-old anymore. I've grown, and you haven't.
Listen, I can't see you anymore.
I'm sure you could have seen this coming. I used to watch your silly antics all the time, nearly every day. Then I invited you over only once every few months. Now it's come to the point where I haven't spent an evening with you in years. You have to see that we can't go on like this.
I promise I'll visit sometime in the future. I've got a kid of my own, you see. Right now she's too young to understand all that chastity belt business, but one day I'll bring her around and we'll share a laugh. Who knows, you two may even hit it off. But as for you and me, I just can't do it anymore.
I know you'll be okay. There are tons of adolescences around the world just now discovering potty humor. You'll be loved. But the things that entertain me now... you just can't meet my needs, and as a result I can't pay you the attention you need.
I'm sorry.
But it's best for both of us.
Goodbye.
Take these two-and-a-half stars. They're out of five.
Goodbye.
Love,
Mickey
Hey. How are you doing? What are you up to today? We haven't seen each other in a while, have we? I'm alright. I assume you're about the same. You've always been fairly consistent that way.
Whatever, listen, I've got something I've got to say.
We've had some good times together. Actually, we've had A LOT of good times. The memories, the laughter. You're irreplaceable. I can't picture my life without you. But the future... OUR future...
Alright, hold on, this isn't turning out like I planned. You've always been direct with me, so it's time I was direct with you. There are things that need to be addressed. Things regarding you and me. You see, I'm having second thoughts...
Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed the history we've shared. I don't remember the first time we met, but that only makes it feel like you've been there all along. I've talked about you to my friends. I've repeated the funny things you say. I've let you shape my image of British history.
And you've introduced me to so many interesting people. There's Dave Chappelle, of course. I have no idea how you two know each other, but back then he was just a skinny little funny man. Remember when he pretended to be Denzel Washington pretending to be Malcolm X. Sherwood Forest landing on us, and all that? That was pretty funny. I later realized he was merely a "token" player in your life, but there was no hiding his talent. He left you for bigger and better things, at least until he went crazy, but you can claim to being there from the start. I do admire you for that.
Cary Elwes hung around a lot. As far as comedic rolls were concerned, he never extended himself too far beyond his "Princess Bride" character, but you sure tried to yank out every bit of slapstickiness he had within him. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn't. But looking back I can't imagine anybody else portraying Robin Hood.
And you surprised me with Richard Lewis. We both know he always whines about himself too much. He plays this schtick so hard that I never thought he'd be a major character in a movie again. But look what you did! You turned Prince John into Prince Richard Lewis. Ingenious! He didn't have to do anything but show up.
And then there was Tracy Ullman. I used to think I liked her, but then I realized that I actually found her quite annoying. She's always so happy and hyper, but she's also always around. You always think it's a good idea to invite Tracy to the party, but then you always regret doing so. She's "that" girl.
Remember that time Patrick Stewart showed up? That was weird.
Anyway, it's not really about the people you know. It's not even about the things you did and the jokes you told. It's about moving on.
I know I'm dropping a bomb on you, and I promise you this isn't any easier for me. I'm on the verge of tears, here. Real freaking juicy tears. So read this in its entirety before you make any judgements about me. Remember, I'm your biggest fan.
I WAS your biggest fan.
You see, while you stuck around and made lame "lend me your ears" gags, I grew up. I matured. Sure, I'll always find jokes about blind people funny, but life is more than that. I suppose I could always fall back on ridiculing the English, but I want to move forward and upward, not backward and... backward.
You seem to be stuck in the 1990s, and in the 1990s I was just a kid. I'm older now, more sophisticated, more mature. More complicated. Throwing Dom DeLuise at me just isn't going to cut it. It used to, but not anymore.
I suppose there's still a soft spot in my heart for wiener jokes, Mel Brooks, and eye-rolling physical comedy. And there is no doubt that these things have helped shaped me into the person I am today. But... well, I'm not 11-years-old anymore. I've grown, and you haven't.
Listen, I can't see you anymore.
I'm sure you could have seen this coming. I used to watch your silly antics all the time, nearly every day. Then I invited you over only once every few months. Now it's come to the point where I haven't spent an evening with you in years. You have to see that we can't go on like this.
I promise I'll visit sometime in the future. I've got a kid of my own, you see. Right now she's too young to understand all that chastity belt business, but one day I'll bring her around and we'll share a laugh. Who knows, you two may even hit it off. But as for you and me, I just can't do it anymore.
I know you'll be okay. There are tons of adolescences around the world just now discovering potty humor. You'll be loved. But the things that entertain me now... you just can't meet my needs, and as a result I can't pay you the attention you need.
I'm sorry.
But it's best for both of us.
Goodbye.
Take these two-and-a-half stars. They're out of five.
Goodbye.
Love,
Mickey
Mickey, each review is better then the last with you. Never thought I would see a movie review written like a high school break up letter. BRILLIANT!!!
ReplyDeletePS -- I've been cheating on you with Holy Grail.
ReplyDeleteLOL, nice writing format! I had completely forgotten about Richard Lewis until his whinny self appeared on screen.
ReplyDeleteFantastic Review! Oddly enough, it is word for word (sans the name) the exact same message I text to my last girlfriend to break up with her. Who knew they had so many friends in common.
ReplyDelete